Infusion #3: Post-Infusion Day #11
It’s been a hot second since my last post, and I blame chemo brain (yes, it’s a real thing…google it!). Let’s just say my thoughts and words have been jumbled over the course of these last few weeks. Take all of my wit and pithiness and toss both out the window.
So here we are…round #4 of the “red devil” is THIS Thursday. As I head into this week’s infusion, I have a million and one emotions. Keep in mind, I went into round #3 proudly holding my invisible “SURRENDER” banner high overhead. I was riding high from the surge of energy provided by “Kellie Sullivan Day” (THANK YOU to everyone who took part!!) and felt like I was ready for anything and everything! I was planning on inspiring myself through the pain and consulting my book of motivational quotes as needed. Oddly enough, day #2 post-infusion had me tossing the word “surrender” out the window and using my new favorite word “fu%$” on repeat. “Surrender” was the furthest thing from my mind and the idea of QUITTING quickly found itself at the top of my to-do list. Round #3 proved to be my most challenging round yet and still has me back in bed most days fighting off fatigue. The nausea, pain and loss of appetite were overwhelming and had me questioning my ability to continue. So now you can fully understand the “million and one emotions” I’m experiencing going into Thursday’s infusion.
I’m not looking for sympathy here...I’m instead presenting you with a situation/question: What if you were faced with a challenge/a seemingly insurmountable obstacle…perhaps something you’ve experienced before and are going to have to face again. You know the pain, the struggle and remember full well the details that make you cringe at the thought of having to repeat the encounter. How do you find ease in the discomfort? How do you just give up (not quit) knowing giving up is necessary for the good? This is where I am, this is my struggle and these are my questions.
I don’t have inspiration, I’m not feeling brave…I’m just digging in. This is my coursework over these next few days. Stay tuned…I’ll report back my findings.
Note: While Thursday’s infusion wraps up my dance with the “red devil,” I still have 4 infusion of Taxol to go. If all goes as planned, I should be kicking chemo to the curb on the day before my 45th birthday. Hurrah!
Big love,
